July 2009 Jokes
YIKES!
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
“Want some of this?” she purred.
“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear”
ADVERTISING
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
SMALL PENIS
“Of course I won't laugh,” said the nurse. “I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It's swollen,” Fred said.
The nurse ran out of the room.
BIG PENIS
Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.
Vern, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.’
Larry, from Arizona, couldn't stand to be bested. “That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot Diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a bellyache.”
Old Paul, the cowboy from Colorado, remained silent; he just sat there, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
BLONDE T-SHIRT
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
“Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' T-shirt on Monday?” the friend asked.
“Oh crap!” said the blonde. “I didn't realize this was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant “Tits Go In Front.’”
COMING CLEAN
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
